


Are we the only ones left?

by dewshi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Chatlogs, F/F, Friend Group Dynamics, Good/Stoned Gamzee Makara, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Recreational Drug Use, Tags May Change, Underage Drinking, this is entirely pesterlog.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22056799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dewshi/pseuds/dewshi
Summary: CG: OH NO.CG: ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO REPOPULATE THE EARTH?AG: I call any8ody 8ut Eridan.CA: hey rudeIt is the last day of 2019. Nearly the entirety of the Earth’s population suddenly goes missing. All that’s left is a cabal of 20 teenagers with no clue what they’re doing.
Relationships: Aradia Megido/Feferi Peixes, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope & Karkat Vantas
Comments: 20
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened new memo VRISKA IS FUCKING WRONG AS ALWAYS AND HERE IS WHY on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY at 12:12.

  


CG: ALRIGHT, FRIENDS, ROMANS, LADIES AND GENTLEFUCKERS, LEND ME YOUR EARS.

CG: OUR BELOVED FRIEND VRISKA FUCKING SERKET HAS DECIDED TO MAKE THE *BOLD* CLAIM THAT NICOLAS CAGE IS THE MOST TALENTED ACTOR ALIVE.

CG: I AM HERE TO ANNOUNCE ON A PUBLIC PLATFORM AND TO PROVE A POINT THAT SHE IS LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET EARTH TO EVER FUCKING THINK THAT!

  


arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo at 12:12.

  


AG: Christ, this is a childish stunt, even for you.

AG: 8ring out our private convers8ions to our whole friend group?

CG: DO YOU OBJECT TO A WIDER PLAYING FIELD, YOU BOUGIE FUCK?

AG: Oh, fine, hit me. Any8ody here think Karkat is right and I’m wrong?

  


adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo at 12:15.

  


AT: i, ,, iF YOU’RE,, iNTERESTED IN MY OPINION,,,, i ACTUALLY AGREE WITH KARKAT ON THIS,

  


arachnidsGrip [AG] banned adiosToreador [AT] from responding to memo.

  


AG: Not you

CG: JESUS, I LEAVE FOR TWO MINUTES AND YOU’VE ALREADY BANNED TAVROS? WHO'S PULLING THE CHILDISH STUNTS NOW?

  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] unbanned adiosToreador [AT] from responding to memo.

  


CG: I SO WISH I NEVER GAVE YOU ADMIN PRIVILEGES

CG: ANYWAY THERE’S YOUR EVIDENCE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU’RE ALONE ON THIS

AG: Evidence? In a sample size of three? You must 8e kidding.

CG: OH, FAR FUCKING FROM IT.

CG: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, CAN SOMEBODY ELSE SPEAK UP AND DEFEND ME ON THIS?

  


twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo at 12:20.

  


TA: no yeah kk2 ab2olutely riight on thi2 one

TA: 2orry to break iit two you ag

AG: 8ullshit!!!!!!!! You don’t even watch Nicolas Cage movies!!!!!!!!

TA: yeah ii dont liike two torture my2elf

CG: THANK YOU! FUCK!

CG: ALTHOUGH, ACTUALLY, YOU’RE NOT ENTIRELY RIGHT ON THAT. I BEGRUDGINGLY HAVE TO GIVE THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF CREDIT WHEN IT’S TRUE ON A TECHNICAL LEVEL. THE FAMILY MAN IS STILL AN ART PIECE AND AN INCREDIBLE MOVIE AND NOTHING, NOT EVEN VRISKA’S WEIRD KINK FOR NIC CAGE’S WEIRD AND OFF-KILTER FACE CAN SOIL IT FOR ME

TA: oh my god

AG: Holy shit, are you kidding?

AG: Karkat, how is it possi8le for you to have the worst taste of anyone on Earth?

CG: SPEAK FOR YOUR FUCKING OWN SELF!

AG: I’m serious. Nic is the saving grace of that movie.

TA: ii cant beliieve iim 2ayiing thii2 but ag ii2 riight

CG: NO, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK BOTH OF YOU

  


caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo at 12:27.

  


CA: i liked the family man

TA: of cour2e you diid you fuckiing moron

CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean its a tragic tale of a man wwronged by the wworld around him

CG: THAT IS SO NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE TAKING AWAY FROM THE FAMILY MAN.

AG: Have you... have you seen the Family Man, Eridan?

CA: i saww it on the plane wwhen wwe wwere flyin to wwashinton for the neww years

CG: OH PLEASE DO NOT SPELL WASHINGTON AS “WWASHINTON” READING YOUR MESSAGES IS PAINFUL AS FUCKING IS

TA: youre lyiing two

TA: ii know for a fact you 2lept through that fliight

CA: i did not

CA: you havve literally no evvidence

TA: ye2 ii do

  


twinArmageddons [TA] sent image file hehe_snooze_38D.jpeg.

  


CA: WWHERED YOU GET THAT

AG: Holy shit, this is the 8est 8lackmail material I’ve ever seen.

AG: Sollux, you’re a saint, thank you so fucking much

TA: ju2t doiing my duty

  


cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo at 12:33.

  


CC: Sollux!!!

CC: Sorry Eridan I didnt think )(e was going to save that 38/

CA: did you take a photo of me on the plane and not tell me

CC: ...Maybe

CA: FEF

CC: Im sorry okay! I just t)(oug)(t it was so cute )(a)(a

CA: wwhy sollux

CA: out of evveryone in our friend group wwhy sollux

TA: lii2ten ii diidnt a2k for iit but at lea2t one of u2 got 2omethiing out of it

AG: @gallowsCalibrator _[GC]_ Get in here you need to see this shit

CA: absolutely not

  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo at 12:36.

  


GC: H3Y GUYS WH4TS UP

GC: OH SH1T WH4T 1S TH1111S

GC: SER1OUSLY WH4T 1S 1T SK414T3CH 1M4G3 R3COGN1T1ON 1S G4RB4G3

AG: It’s Eridan asleep on a plane, girl!

GC: OH SH1T!!!

GC: 1S H3 4LL DROWSY W1TH 4 L1TTL3 B1T OF SP1T DR1PP1NG 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG

CA: no

AG: Yes, that’s exactly what he’s like!!!!!!!!

GC: H4H4H4 TH4T’S FUCK1NG SW33T

CA: i swwear to god if either of you posts that thin online im going to gut you like cods

AG: I’d like to see you try, fish8oy.

AG: Aaaaaaaand it’s up on Vriskagram, 8a8y!

CA: goddamit serket

CG: OKAY I’M GLAD WE’RE ALL BULLYING ERIDAN OVER HERE

CG: BUT ANYWAY

CG: ABOUT THE FAMILY MAN

TA: can we not fuckiing talk about the famiily man

  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo at 12:39.

  


GA: Hello Everybody Sorry To Interrupt

TA: oh thank god

GA: Even Though This Conversation Seems Titillating And I Know That This May Not Be The Proper Channel For This I Have To Express Some Worry

GA: I Cannot Find My Grandmother Anywhere

CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CG: SHE’S AN OLD LADY HOW FAR COULD SHE HAVE GONE

CG: SHE’S PROBABLY JUST NAPPING ON THE PORCH OR SOMETHING. CHECK ALL YOUR ROCKING CHAIRS I’M SURE YOU HAVE FAR TOO MANY

GA: I Have Already Done So

GA: In Fact I Have Checked The Whole House

GA: Even The Rooms In Which An Old Lady Would Reasonably Not Be Expected To Be

GA: She Seems To Have Vanished Entirely

CC: T)(at sounds awful 38(

GC: HMM

GC: R3TR4C3 YOUR ST3PS >:?

CC: I t)(ink Terezi is onto some)(ing t)(ere!

GA: Hmm I Can Try

GA: I Hope She Is Okay

GA: Do You All Know Where Your Custodians Are

GC: W3LL PYR3S 1S R1GHT H3R3 SO 1M F1N3

CG: WHY WOULD ANYTHING BE GOING ON WITH OUR CUSTODIANS?

CG: YOUR GRANDMA GOING MISSING DOESN’T SEEM LIKE IT WOULD IN ANY WAY IMPACT OUR FAMILIES.

GA: Is It Not Always Worth Checking

CG: FINE, HOLD ON

CG: I’M BACK

GC: H3Y

CG: I CAN’T FIND ANYBODY IN MY HOUSE.

GC: WH4T? FOR R34L?

CG: YEAH NOBODY’S HOME

CG: WHICH IS REALLY WEIRD DAD WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TOLD ME IF HE WAS GOING SOMEWHERE

CG: AND MOM ABSOLUTELY WOULD HAVE

CG: AND KANKRI DOESN’T EVER FUCKING SHUT UP SO I’M SURPRISED I DIDN’T NOTICE HIS ABSENCE UNTIL NOW.

GC: DO YOU TH1NK TH3Y W3R3... K1DN4PP3D? >:O

CG: FFS

CG: NO, TEREZI, I DO NOT THINK THAT MY FAMILY HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED. THEY JUST LEFT WITHOUT TELLING ME IT’S NO BIG DEAL

CG: LIKE MAYBE WE RAN OUT OF SOMETHING AND THEY WENT TO THE STORE. KANKRI MIGHT BE OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS. WHY WOULD I KNOW

CG: DID YOU FIND YOUR GRANDMA, KANAYA?

GC: SH3 MUST ST1LL B3 LOOK1NG

GC: HM.

CC: Not t)(at its a big deal because t)(eyre never at )(ome anyway but Meenah and my mom are also not )(ere

GC: >:OOO

GC: W3 H4V3 A MYST3RY UNFOLD1NG ON OUR H4NDS!!!

CG: SHE LITERALLY SAID THAT THEY’RE NEVER AT HOME ANYWAY.

CG: KNOWING MEENAH, SHE’S PROBABLY SUCKING SOME GUY OFF AND WON’T BE HOME UNTIL THE MORNING!

CG: AND ACTUALLY, THE SAME CAN BE SAID FOR FEFERI’S MOM. NO OFFENSE.

CC: None taken! 38)

CC: Im going to bed now goodnight! Glub glub!

GA: Goodnight Feferi

GA: Im Back

GA: I Havent Found Her

GA: I Have A Bad Feeling About All This

  


adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo at 13:03.

  


AT: ,uM, ,,,i, iN CASE ANYBODY IS INTERESTED,,, mY DAD,, IS GONE TOO,,

AT: hE IS NOT IN HIS BED,,,

GA: Oh No

AG: As much as I wish I could get on Tavros’ case, I can’t find my mom anywhere either.

AG: Usually I’m the one who has to hide from her. I sort of can’t 8elieve that you guys managed to make me go look for her like a maniac.

GC: TH1S 1S 1NCR3D1BLY SUSP1C1OUS

GC: @apocalypseArisen _[AA]_ @twinArmageddons _[TA]_ @arsenicCatnip _[AC]_ @centaursTesticle _[CT]_ @terminallyCapricious _[TC]_ @caligulasAquarium _[CA]_ C4N W3 H4V3 4 ST4TUS R3PORT ON YOUR F4M1L13S PL34S3

CG: WHAT THE FUCK, TEREZI?

CA: i second kar on this wwhat the fuck is it

CA: no i havvent seen my dad in like a hour obvviously its 3 am hes probably asleep

CA: wwhy wwould i care

  


terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo at 13:10.

  


TC: wHaT tHe FuCk Is Up My RaDiCaL mOtHeRfUcKeRs :o)

CG: OH GREAT, BOO BOO THE FUCKING FOOL IS HERE!

CG: HEY, TC.

TC: hEy KaRbRo

TC: aS tO aNsWeR yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg QuEsTiOn Gc

TC: mY dAd’S sTiLl oUt So I dOnT kNoW :o(

GC: OK4Y TO B3 HON3ST 1M NOT TH4T SURPR1S3D

GA: I Understand That This May Make Me Sound Paranoid But I Really Feel Very Anxious About This

CG: WELL YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING AND THAT’S THAT YOU DO IN FACT SOUND PARANOID

  


arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo at 13:15.

  


AC: :33 < *the great pouncelor pads in most mewjestically wondering what all this fuss is about!*

AC: :33 < *she has just returned home furom the pawrk!*

CG: “FUROM” AND “PAWRK” ARE INCREDIBLY LOW EFFORT PUNS.

AC: :33 < *ac knows and she purromises to try and do better on the pun furontier hehe*

CG: YOU CAN’T JUST PUT A U IN EVERY WORD THAT HAS AN F FOLLOWED BY AN R THAT’S JUST LAZY!

AC: :33c

AC: :33 < *anyway, ac’s house is currently empty of efurrybody except for ac herself. the den f33ls cold and dark with nobody in it :((*

GC: G4SP!

GC: TH3 PLOT TH1CK3NS!

TC: hEy Ac

CG: NO IT DOESN’T! THERE’S NO PLOT! WE’RE NOT IN A CRIME NOVEL!

AC: :33 < *the pouncelor lifts her tail at tc with the utmost respect!*

GC: BUT DON’T YOU TH1NK 1TS 4 L1TTL3 B1T SUSP1C1OUS TH4T 4LL OF OUR GU4RD14NS 4R3 SUDD3NLY MYST3R1OUSLY M1SS1NG, ON TH1S, TH3 L4ST D4Y OF TH3 Y34R, WH3N NOBODY SHOULD H4V3 4NY PL4C3 TO B3 OTH3R TH4N HOM3 >:?

CG: NOT FUCKING REALLY, NO! THERE’S PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPLANATIONS FOR ALL OF THESE QUOTE UN-FUCKING-QUOTE “DISAPPEARANCES.”

CG: BESIDES IT’S HARDLY THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR YET FOR, SAY, TAVROS.

GA: Actually Tavros Why Are You Awake Isnt It 4 AM Where You Live

AT: yES,, bUT,,, mY PHONE WAS KEEPING ME AWAKE,,, wITH ALL THE BUZZING,,,

CG: PUT IT ON SILENT MODE YOU FUCKING DIPASS

AT: wELL,,, iT’S TOO LATE NOW,,,

CG: NO IT’S NOT! FUCKING GO TO BED!

CG: SAME GOES FOR ERIDAN PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY AND GO TO BED!!! OR I WILL BAN YOU

AG: Wow, no consider8ion for me?

CG: FUCK YOU

AG: Oh, speaking of...

AG: My struggles, that is. Not fucking me. Don’t fuck me. I know you’d like to, but I’m off the market, sorry!

CG: OH MY GOD.

AG: CT can’t respond. I’m pretty sure he’s asleep.

GA: To My Understanding Sollux Is Also Asleep Now

GC: GODDAM1T!!!! FUCK1NG T1M3ZON3S!!!

  


apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo at 13:26.

  


AA: i’m here, in case anyb0dy wants t0 kn0w ab0ut my situati0n

GC: H3Y 44!

GC: WH4T’S UP?

AA: damara is als0 missing

GC: WH4T

GC: OK4Y TH1S 1S TOO M4NY P3OPL3 NOT 4T HOM3 4T TH3 S4M3 FOR 1T TO B3 4 CO1NC1D3NC3

CG: ...OKAY, I ADMIT, THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE NOT AT HOME THAN AVERAGE, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN SOME SORT OF MASS DISAPPEARANCE OF OUR FAMILIES IS TAKING PLACE.

CG: THIS IS STUPID. I'LL JUST CALL MY DAD AND ASK HIM WHERE HE IS, LIKE A FUCKING REASONABLE PERSON WOULD. HOLD ON

AA: terezi i d0n’t really understand why this is a big deal t0 y0u

AA: y0ur d0g is still with y0u right

GC: Y34H PYR3S 1S H3R3 BUT C4NT 1 B3 WORR13D ON MY FR13NDS B3H4LF

AA: so y0ure actually w0rried?

GC: 3H

GC: K1ND OF?

GC: L1K3 K4N4Y4 S41D 1 H4V3 4 B4D F33L1NG

CG: OKAY SO

CG: APPARENTLY MY DAD LEFT HIS PHONE AT HOME BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE LIVING ROOM TABLE.

CG: TEREZI STOP TYPING HE WAS NOT FUCKING KIDNAPPED

CG: I’M GOING TO CALL MY MOM

CG: ...HER PHONE IS ALSO ON THE LIVING ROOM TABLE.

GC: K4RK4T.

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT

GC: 1 DONT M34N TO 4L4RM YOU CH3RRY BOY BUT SOM3TH1NG FUCK1N W31RD 1S GO1NG ON WH4T DO YOU TH1NK 44

CG: OKAY I’LL CALL KANKRI! I REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO SINK TO THIS BUT I’LL FUCKING TRY IT, ALRIGHT?

AA: s0mething weird is definitely g0ing 0n

AA: i d0nt think theres anything weird ab0ut damara 0r meenah n0t being here

AA: but tavr0s’ dad disappearing is a little bit c0ncerning

CG: IT WAS IN HIS ROOM

GC: HUH

CG: KANKRI’S PHONE

CG: IT WAS IN HIS ROOM

CG: GENERALLY I TRY TO AVOID THIS ACCURSED LOCALE BECAUSE I’VE SO FAR AVOIDED FINDING KANKRI’S HIDDEN PORN STASH WHICH HE ABSOLUTELY HAS BUT I HEARD THE RINGTONE IN HIS ROOM AND I HAD TO COME IN AND LOOK

CG: HE’S NOT HERE BUT HIS PHONE IS

CG: I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS BUT THIS IS KIND OF FREAKY.

GC: >:OOOOO

GC: M1SS1NG!!!

CG: THAT’S STILL KIND OF AN INTENSE CONCLUSION TO JUMP TO, I THINK.

CG: OKAY, HOLD ON, SO WHO IS STILL AWAKE HERE

CG: ROLL CALL

CG:  @everyone

GC: B4D T4GG1NG 3T1QU3TT3

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS IMPORTANT

AA: im here

AC: :33 < *ac’s whiskers twitch a little bit as she p33rs at cg amicably*

GA: I Am Still Here As Well

TC: :o)

CG: ALRIGHT

CG: NOBODY HERE KNOWS WHERE THEIR CUSTODIANS ARE?

AC: :33 < i am actually a little worried too now!

AC: :33 < *she says*

CG: OKAY NEPETA YOU CAN DROP THE ROLEPLAY THING.

AC: :33 < fine

AC: :33 < for now >:33c

GC: FUCK Y34H F1GHT TH3 SYST3M 4C

AC: >:33c!!!

CG: WHAT SYSTEM?!?!

AC: :33 < i didnt s33 anybody at the pawrk either! or on the way home

GC: TH3 ON3 WH3R3 YOU B4N 4NYBODY W1TH 4 D1SS3NT1NG OP1N1ON

CG: I AM NOT FUCKING RUNNING A TOTALITARIAN POLICE STATE GROUP CHAT AND I’M THOROUGHLY OFFENDED YOU WOULD THINK THAT

GA: Did You Take A Route To And From The Pawrk Where You Would Expect People To Be

GA: I Mean The Park

AC: :33 < maybe? i took the same route as always so i dont know

GA: Do You Usually See People On The Way

AC: :33 < yes

CG: ARE YOU INSINUATING ALL HUMANS EXCEPT FOR THE 12 OF US HAVE DISAPPEARED?

GC: >:O WH4T 4 HUG3 MYST3RY!!!

GA: Well I Would Not Know I Live In The Middle Of Nowhere As You All Know

CG: OH, TRUST ME, WE DO.

CG: GAMZEE YOU LIVE IN A CITY, CAN YOU SEE ANYBODY?

CG: LIKE, OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW.

TC: nOt A mOtHeRfUcKiNg SoUl My MaN

CG: WHAT? FOR REAL?

  


terminallyCapricious [TC] sent image file unknown.jpg.

  


GA: That Is Certainly A Photo Of Some Streets

CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE SUDDENLY BECAME BLACKOUT DRUNK AND TOTALED THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER

GC: DO3S 1T? >:?

AC: :33 < karkitty is right efurryone seems to just have ran into each other!

AC: :33 < but there isnt anybody in any of the drivers seats? :??

CG: SHIT

CG: YOU’RE RIGHT THERE’S NOBODY INSIDE ANY OF THOSE CARS

GA: I Do Have To Express My Discomfort

CG: OH FUCK

CG: WHAT IF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T RESPONDED YET ALSO DISAPPEARED?

CG: IS EQUIUS FUCKING DEAD???

AA: hes pr0bably just asleep

GC: 1S 1NF1N1TY W4R R34L L1F3??? D1D H4LF OF TH3 WORLD G3T TH4NOS’D????

GA: How Is That The First Thing Your Mind Went To

CG: OKAY.

CG: OKAY!

CG: THIS IS FINE!

CG: LIKE ARADIA SAID SOME PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY JUST ASLEEP SO UHHH

AC: :33 < its noon where i live

CG: MAYBE IF WE JUST WAIT IT OUT IT’LL BE FINE NO PROBLEM OKAY?

  


caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo at 13:39.

  


CA: hey quick update theres a fire

CG: WHAT?

CA: theres a fuckin fire in my neighborhood

CA: wwell idk if its in my neighborhood but i can see it in the distance from the wwindoww

CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ASLEEP

CA: i wwas but i wwoke up obvviously

AC: :33 < are you okay? DD:!!

CA: i am for noww

CA: im goin to fefs house to wwake her up

GA: Oh Dear

GA: Im Going To Check If There Are Any News About This On TV

CG: GOOD CALL I’LL GOOGLE REAL QUICK

CG: NOT THE FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE!!!! LITERALLY WHERE IS EVERYBODY!!!

GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK TH4T’S GO1NG TO WORK L1K3 TH4T CG

CG: OH SHUT UP DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA

GA: My TV Is Not Working

GC: WH4T DO YOU M34N NOT WORK1NG

GA: Its Not Connecting To Any Channels The Screen Is Just White

GC: WH4T K1ND OF TV DO YOU H4V3?

GA: Uh

GC: 4S 1N, 1S 1T SK414T3CH?

GA: Oh

GA: Yes

CG: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

GC: 1 DONT KNOW BUT 1 F33L L1K3 1TS 1MPORT4NT

CG: YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS

CG: FUCK THIS I CAN’T DO THIS I’M GOING TO LOOK FOR SOMEBODY ANYBODY

CG: NO WAY IS EVERYONE MISSING

AA: i was just 0utside and i c0uldnt see anyb0dy

AA: i walked 0ver t0 my neighb0r’s h0use and n0b0dy seemed t0 be h0me

AA: i have a h0rrible headache

GA: Do You Have Painkillers

AA: yes

AA: i t00k 0ne already

AA: thank y0u f0r the advice th0ugh

GA: Okay Good

GC: TH4T SUCKS >:/

GC: 4C, 4NY LUCK ON YOUR 3ND?

AC: :33 < i tried to call my mom but she didnt pick up

AC: :33 < im starting to get really worried...

CA: is this really worth gettin all worked up about im sure everythins fine

  


cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo at 14:01.

  


CC: -EV-ERYT)(ING SUCKS

CC: My )(ead )(urts Im so tired 38(

CC: I mean t)(ank you for waking me up Eridan but coddamn!!

AA: are y0u 0kay?

CC: Were fine

AA: thats g00d!

AA: did y0u see the fire? whats g0ing 0n?

CC: We cant really see it from )(ere

CA: yeah its pretty far in the distance

CA: looks to be close to the airport

AA: hmm

CC: I dont t)(ink its going to be a problem but its good that were awake!

CC: Except for t)(e )(eadac)(e 3X(

AA: its 4 am there, right?

CC: Yea)(

AA: get a big glass 0f water that usually helps me wake up

CC: O)( yes definitely!

CA: okay anywway

CA: i cant see any firefighters or anyfin

CA: doesnt seem like itll be puttin itself out anytime soon

GC: OH FUCK

GC: LUCKY YOU L1V3 N34R TH3 OC34N 1 GU3SS

CA: are you suggestin wwe swwim awway from the fire

GC: W3LL 1 M34NT YOU COULD T4K3 4 BO4T OR SOM3TH1NG BUT 1F YOU W4NT TO DROWN 1 GU3SS TH4T WORKS TOO

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD

CG: THERE’S NOBODY OUT HERE EVERYONE’S GONE

CG: CARS HAVE TOTALED. DOGS ON LEASHES ARE RUNNING AROUND WITH NOBODY CONTAINING THEM THIS IS FUCKING TOTAL CHAOS

CG: A CHIHUAHUA IS JUST STANDING THERE BARKING AT ME THERE’S A LOT OF BARKING GOING ON ACTUALLY IT’S LOUD AND REALLY FUCKING INSUFFERABLE

CG: WE HAVE OFFICIALLY ENTERED THE END OF THE WORLD. THIS IS ARMAGEDDON.

CG: GAMZEE’S CLOWN GODS ARE FINALLY GOING TO COME COLLECT OUR SOULS AND TAKE US TO THE DARK FUCKING CARNIVAL WHERE THEY WILL POUND OUR ASSES RELENTLESSLY UNTIL WE DIE A SECOND TIME EVERYBODY IT’S TIME TO LIE DOWN AND ROT. WE ARE THE LAST HUMANS ALIVE AND I’M PRETTY SURE EQUIUS IS ALREADY DEAD AND MAYBE VRISKA TOO WHO KNOWS

CA: finally

AA: finally

GC: F1N4LLY

CG: FUCKING FINALLY!!!

GA: Karkat Are You Okay You Sound Like Youre Panicking

CG: MAYBE A LITTLE BIT YEAH

CG: IF THIS *FUCKING CHIHUAHUA WOULD STOP FUCKING BARKING AT ME I COULD MAYBE START TO NOT HYPERVENTILATE AAADHDHDHDHDHGFHEGBRBV*

CG: OKAY

CG: FUCK

CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

CG: FUCKING FUCK FUCK!!!

CG: EVERYBODY IS GONE

GC: OK4Y

CG: *WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “OK4Y” TEREZI EVERYBODY IS FUCKING DEAD*

GC: Y34H

GA: I Have To Agree With Karkat On This Its Quite Panic Inducing

GA: I Am Reeling Quite Honestly And I Dont Really Know What Is Going On

  


arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo at 14:24.

  


AG: I’m sorry, but why the fuck is every8ody yelling over here?

CG: HIIIIIIII VRISKA! WELCOME TO THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE DID YOU FUCKING SLEEP WELL??

AG: Wow, that message communicates your heaving so well that I can almost smell your 8reath from here.

AG: You know, across the Atlantic?

CG: YES I GOT THE FUCKING JOKE VRISKA YOU ARE NOT FUNNY YOU WILL NEVER BE FUNNY AND YOU SHOULD STOP TRYING

AG: Okay so I’m ignoring you and skimming the message history

AG: Is it like, for real that every8ody’s dead?

AG: Thank god, we finally got rid of Equius.

GC: Y34H 3V3RYON3 S33MS TO B3 GON3

GC: OR 4T L34ST MOST OF OUR F4M1L13S 4ND B4S1C4LLY 3V3RYON3 W3 L1V3 N34R

GA: Good Morning Vriska

AG: Hold up, let me get some clothes on and I’ll check if Equius is alive.

AC: :33 < hey vwriskers!

AC: :33 < im also outside trying to find somebody but karkat is right efurryone is gone :((

AC: :33 < i really hope equius is okay!!!

GC: OK4Y, SO OUR M1SS1NG P3RSON COUNT SO F4R

GC: K4N4Y4’S GR4NDM4, 4R4DI4’S N31GHBORS, TH3 3NT1R3 POPUL4T1ON OF S34TTL3, SOM3 FR3NCH 4SSHOL3S, K4RK4T’S N31GHBORS, 4ND M4YB3 3QU1US?

CG: OH GOD WHAT IF SOLLUX IS DEAD

CG: WHO ELSE HAVE WE NOT HEARD FROM IN A WHILE? GAMZEE?

TC: hOnK

CG: OKAY GAMZEE’S FINE NEVERMIND

AC: :33 < i found a train

AC: :33 < its derailed!

AG: Oh holy shit pics now

  


arsenicCatnip [AC] sent image file unknown.jpg

  


AG: Goddamn that’s rad as hell!

CG: I THINK I’M GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.

AG: Also Equius is here.

AG: He’s not even asleep, he’s just doing some creepy ro8ot shit like always. Dude doesn’t even care.

  


arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo at 14:30.

  


CT: D --> I am here

CT: D --> You needn’t worry, Nepeta

AC: :33 < yay!!! youre ok!!!

CT: D --> Naturally

CT: D --> Though I agree with Karkat in that the situation is dire

CA: youre all freakin out a lot considerin youre not the ones wwith a fuckin fire on your asses

AA: i th0ught y0u said the fire wasnt an issue

CA: not right now but its still a fuckin fire right over there

GC: 4G 4ND CT 1S 3V3RYON3 M1SS1NG OV3R TH3R3 TOO

AG: Equius’ 8utler-dad ain’t here at least.

CG: OKAY

CG: FUCK

CG: HEY EQUIUS

CT: D --> Good morning, Karkat

CG: IT’S HALF PAST 2 PM

CT: D --> Oh

CT: D --> Good afternoon, Karkat

CG: YEAH FUCKING THANK YOU

CG: IT’S NOT GOOD IT’S NOT EVEN A DECENT AFTERNOON ACTUALLY

CG: WHAT DO WE DO? JUST LIVE IN THIS APOCALYPSE REALM? WHY ARE WE ALIVE STILL?

AG: Just to suffer?

GC: JUST TO SUFF3R?

AG: Ayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

GC: 4YYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

CG: JESUS FUCKING

GA: Karkat This Is A Very Big Problem And There Is A Lot To Think About But I Think You Need To Calm Down First

CG: CALM DOWN? CALM FUCKING DOWN?

CG: MY PARENTS ARE DEAD FOR ALL I KNOW AND I AM STUCK ON THIS PLANET WITH NOBODY BUT THE 11 OF YOU FUCKERS! WHY ME? GOD? HELLO, GOD? ARE YOU THERE? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME SPECIFICALLY?

  


twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo at 14:44.

  


TA: 323 new fuckiing me22ages

TA: good fuckiing morniing

CG: AS IF THAT’S A LOT FOR OUR MEMOS.

AG: I’m sorry, is “3S3” a number?

TA: fuck off, both of you

CC: T)(e city is completely dark

CC: Its so weird to see it t)(at way, its never been t)(is dark before

CC: )(i Sollux

TA: hey cc

TA: everyone’2 dead? fiinally

TA: nobody talk to me ever agaiin

TA: iim gonna go lii2ten to mu2iic and get hiigh

CG: FUCK YOU, NO YOU’RE NOT

CG: WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED!

TA: 2eem2 pretty 2iimple

TA: everyone diied

CG: JUST LIKE THAT?

CG: THERE AREN’T ANY BODIES THEY ALL JUST FUCKING VANISHED EXCEPT FOR US

TA: dude lii2ten ii couldnt giive a 2iingle 2hiit

CG: YOU’RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF FOOD AND DIE OF STARVATION.

TA: maybe eventually

TA: but hey thiink about iit thii2 way: no poliice, no laws, ii can ju2t walk to the 2tore and take whatever the fuck ii want

AG: Oh shit, you’re right!

AG: See you losers, ya girl is going pillaging!

CT: D --> She just jumped out of the window and ran off

CG: JESUS

CG: THE ONLY THING PREVENTING VRISKA FROM COMMITTING GENOCIDE AND KILLING US WAS THE THREAT OF LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND NOW THAT THAT’S GONE I THINK WE CAN SAFELY SAY THAT SHE IS GOING TO MURDER US ALL SO GET READY FOR THAT

AA: s0llux is right, th0ugh

AA: we cant really d0 anything ab0ut this at least f0r n0w

AA: so we sh0uld just try t0 survive

CG: AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO CARES ABOUT FIGURING OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

GC: NO BUT 1 TH1NK 4R4D14 H4S 4 PO1NT

GC: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD JUST W41T FOR 4 L1TTL3 B1T

CG: AND JUST TWIDDLE OUR THUMBS? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

GC: WH4T 3LS3 C4N W3 DO?

GC: L1ST3N K4RK4T YOU’R3 FR33 TO FR34K OUT 4S LONG 4S YOU W4NT 4ND DR1V3 YOURS3LF 1NS4N3 BUT 1 FOR ON3 4M GONN4 CH1LL 4ND W4TCH N3TFL1X UNT1L N3XT Y34R

GA: We Could All Watch A Movie Together

GA: Something To Get Our Minds Of All This

CG: LIKE THE FACT THAT NONE OF THE ACTORS ON THE SCREEN ARE ALIVE ANYMORE?

AA: technically all we kn0w is that n0b0dy is ar0und in 0ur vicinity there c0uld be any number 0f pe0ple still 0ut there

CG: NOT HELPING

AA: why n0t

AC: :33 < how about we play something then?

AC: :33 < like a video game i mean

CC: T)(at sounds like a great idea Nepeta!!

AC: X33

CG: I’M SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING DINNER WITH MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW BUT I GUESS THAT’S OFF THE TABLE. PUN NOT FUCKING INTENDED.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. FINE. I’LL BITE.

CG: LET’S PLAY A STUPID GAME.

TC: cAn I aLl AnD mOtHeRfUcKiNg JoIn Y’aLl ToO?

CG: YES, YOU CAN.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU NEED PERMISSION, BUT YES.

TC: sWeEt :o)

  


adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo at 14:57.

  


AT: gOOD MORNING,

AT: wHATS,, aLL THIS ABOUT THE,, aPOCALYPSE,,,

GA: Good Morning Tavros

GA: Everybody On Earth Is Dead Except For Us

AT: oH,,

AT: i FEEL A LITTLE BIT,,, oUT OF THE LOOP,,,,

TC: hEy TaVbRo

TC: dOn’T wOrRy AbOuT iT mY mAn

TC: tHe TwElVe Of Us ArE sTiLl HeRe AfTeR aLl AnD wE gOt EaCh OtHeRs MoThErFuCkIn BaCkS dOn’T wE

TC: wE’lL aLl aNd FiGuRe It OuT :o)

AT: aHA,,, i GUESS YOURE RIGHT,,,

AT: }:)

GA: Ill Play Too

GA: Though Im Very Worried About My Grandmother It Would Be Hypocritical Of Me Not To

GA: Tavros Would You Like To Join Our Game

AT: uH,,,,, oKAY,,,,,,,,, i GUESS,,

TA: iim al2o down “ii gue22”

AA: c0unt me in t00 0u0

AA: n0 reas0n n0t t0 ring in the new year well even if its just the 12 0f us here t0 celebrate it, right?

CC: T)(ats t)(e spirit 38D

CC: You too Eridan!

CA: do wwe have to

CA: sigh

CA: fine

CA: can you wwait wwhile i fetch my laptop

CG: SHOULD WE VOICE CHAT OR NO?

GC: H3LL Y34H!

  


* * *

  


carcinoGeneticist  [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 02:47.

  


CG: HEY TEREZI, ARE YOU AWAKE?

GC: H3Y K4RK4T

GC: Y3S 1 4M! >:]

CG: JESUS WHY ARE YOU STILL UP GO TO BED

GC: ???

GC: D1D YOU JUST M3SS4G3 M3 TO T3LL M3 TH4T

CG: WELL NO

CG: I DID WANT TO TALK TO YOU

GC: FUCK1N HYPOCR1T3

GC: WHY DONT *YOU* GO TO B3D W1S3 GUY

CG: CAN’T SLEEP

CG: INSOMNIA

GC: OH

GC: TH4T SUCKS

GC: 4R3 YOU F33L1NG 4NY B3TT3R ON TH3 4NX13TY FRONT 4T L34ST

CG: NOT REALLY

CG: I MEAN I WAS, WHILE WE WERE PLAYING

CG: BUT NOW THAT THAT’S OVER I’M BACK TO FEELING ANXIOUS.

CG: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE NOW IF WE DON’T GET WIPED OUT BY MALFUNCTIONING NUCLEAR REACTORS OR A GAS STATION EXPLODING OR SOMETHING WE’RE EVENTUALLY GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH

CG: AND AT ANY MOMENT THE INTERNET COULD GO OUT FOR GOOD

CG: WHO KNOWS HOW IT’S STILL UP EVEN NOW ALL LOGIC WOULD DICTATE THAT WE SHOULD ALL ALREADY HAVE LOST CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER

CG: SO EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES I’M TERRIFIED THAT MY MESSAGES WON’T GO THROUGH AND I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN AND I’LL DIE ALONE AT AGE 16 AND EVEN MY BEST FRIENDS WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT IT

CG: BUT THAT’S JUST MY SHIT YOU DON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT

GC: NO 1 UND3RST4ND

GC: 1T 1S HON3STLY T3RR1FY1NG

GC: 1 KNOW TH4T 1 H4V3 1T 34SY S1NC3 1V3 N3V3R R34LLY H4D 4NYBODY OTH3R TH4N YOU GUYS 4NYW4Y? 3V3R S1NC3 MOM D13D

GC: 1 SP3NT 4LL D4Y FUCK1NG 4ROUND 4BOUT LIK3, M4K1NG 1T 4 COOL MYST3RY TO SOLV3 B3C4US3 1 KN3W TH3 MOOD N33D3D TO ST4Y 4T L34ST 4 L1TTL3 B1T L1GHT

GC: 1M R34LLY FUCK1NG SC4R3D TOO 4ND MOST TH1NGS 1 COULD S4Y TO COMFORT YOU WOULD B3 TOT4L BULLSH1TT1NG ON MY P4RT

GC: 4ND 1 DONT TH1NK 1 R34LLY 3V3N G3T TH3 GR4V1TY OF TH3 S1TU4T1ON SO 1 C4NT 3V3N 1M4G1N3 WH4T SOM3ON3 L1K3 YOU WHO H4D 4 B1G LOV1NG F4M1LY 1S GO1NG THROUGH

GC: TRY1NG TO TH1NK OF 4NYTH1NG GOOD 1N TH1S S1TU4T1ON 1S SUP3R H4RD BUT

GC: 1 GU3SS 4T L34ST W3’R3 ST1LL H3R3, TH3 12 OF US, R1GHT NOW

GC: W3’R3 ST1LL 4L1V3

GC: TH4TS R34LLY 4LL W3 H4V3

GC: SO M4YB3 TH4TS WH4T W3 SHOULD FOCUS ON.

CG: YEAH

CG: YOU’RE RIGHT

CG: FUCK. GAMZEE WAS RIGHT. OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE GAMZEE WAS RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN HIS IDIOT CLOWN LIFE.

CG: ALSO

CG: TEREZI, YOU DON’T HAVE IT “EASY” ANY MORE THAN THE REST OF US DO.

CG: SURE YOU LIVE SEPARATED FROM LIKE, EVERYONE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU’RE IMMUNE TO THIS SHIT OR THAT YOU BEING SCARED BY IT IS... WORTH LESS THAN WHAT THE REST OF US FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW?

CG: IF ANYTHING, I’M PROBABLY OVERREACTING.

GC: TO TH3 4POC4LYPS3?

CG: YES. I’M OVERREACTING TO THE APOCALYPSE

GC: K4RK4T 1 HOP3 YOU UND3RST4ND TH4T 3V3RYBODY 3LS3 1N OUR FR13ND GROUP UND3RR34CTS TO TH1NGS TH4T SHOULD B3 4 B1G D34L 4ND YOUR D3GR33 OF FR34K1NG OUT, WH1L3 3XTR3M3 4S 4LW4YS, 1S 4CTU4LLY TH3 MOST R34SON4BL3 OUT OF 4LL OF US.

CG: WOW, THAT’S A FIRST. APPRECIATION OF MY HARD WORK. HUH!

GC: OK4Y H4RD WORK 1S 4N OV3RST4T3M3NT DONT L3T 1T G3T TO YOUR H34D CH3RRY R3D

GC: OH TH4T RHYM3D!!!

GC: 1M 4 PO3T

GC: 4ND R34LLY T1R3D

CG: I CAN TELL.

CG: GO TO BED, TEREZI

GC: Y34H

GC: GOODN1GHT K4RK4T!

GC: TRY TO G3T SOM3 SL33P

CG: I’LL DO MY BEST

CG: GOOD NIGHT

  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased being trolled by  carcinoGeneticist  [CG] at 03:01.

  


* * *

  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened new memo APOCALYPSE SURVIVORS on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY at 7:35.

  


CG: GOOD MORNING, FUCKERS!

CG: OR GOOD EVENING OR WHATEVER THE FUCK TIME IT IS IN YOUR PARTICULAR CORNERS OF THIS DISASTER BALL WE CALL A PLANET.

CG: WELCOME TO DAY 2 OF THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE! I’M YOUR HOST KARKAT VANTAS AND I’M HERE TO FUCKING SCREAM!

CG: THIS MEMO IS FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISCUSSING AND SPREADING INFORMATION ABOUT THE INCIDENT, AKA EVERYBODY DISAPPEARING SUDDENLY AS IF BY MAGIC.

CG: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO PUBLICLY ISSUE THIS REQUEST TO ALL OF US COLLECTIVELY: CAN WE *PLEASE* TRY TO KEEP IT ON TOPIC FOR ONCE? FUCK YOU IN ADVANCE.

CG: ANYWAY, I DIGRESS.

CG: IT APPEARS THAT WE ARE STILL ALONE, AS EVIDENCED BY THE FACT THAT I HAVE WOKEN UP, MADE BREAKFAST, TAKEN A SHOWER AND GONE FOR A WALK WITHOUT SEEING A SINGLE LIVING BEING EVEN THOUGH ON AN AVERAGE DAY I WOULD ALREADY HAVE LISTENED TO SEVEN OF KANKRI’S MONOLOGUES AND BEEN INTERRUPTED BY AN ADDITIONAL TWENTY-EIGHT PEOPLE ON THE STREET BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO KNOW THEM FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER AND THEY INSIST ON HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

CG: SOMEHOW, MIRACULOUSLY, I STILL HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, AND THE LIGHTS IN MY HOUSE WORK DESPITE THE FACT THAT EVERY POWER PLANT ON EARTH SHOULD ALREADY HAVE STOPPED WORKING IF ANYTHING WAS TO MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

CG: NOW THAT THAT’S OVER WITH

CG: CAN WE GET A ROLL CALL FOR WHO IS STILL ALIVE?

CG:  @everyone

  


terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo at 7:40.

  


TC: i’M sTiLl HeRe

TC: mAdE sOmE pIe :o)

TC: iT’s ReAlLy MiRaCuLoUs HoW eVeN iN tHeSe TrYiN tImEs YoU cAn StIlL fInD gOoD sHiT iN tHe WoRlD y’KnOw?

TC: lIkE pIeS

TC: aNd MoThErFuCkInG fRiEnDsHiP

TC: hOnK!

TC: tHiNk I’m GoNnA gO bAcK iNtO bEd FoR a MoThErFuCkIn NaP tHoUgH aFtEr I fInIsH tHiS hErE pIe

CG: OKAY GOOD FOR YOU

CG: ANYBODY ELSE?

  


apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo at 7:43.

  


AA: im alive

AA: my life hasn’t been affected that much s0 far

AA: alth0ugh it’s kind 0f strange and unc0mf0rtable t0 think that i might never see damara again

AA: but we weren’t that cl0se, s0

AA: i’ll manage

  


arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo at 7:44.

  


AG: Yeah yeah whatever

AG: I was a8out to go to 8ed 8ut I realized that you guys aren’t going to 8e a8le to deal with it if I’m gone so I’ll 8less you with my presence for a little longer :::;)

CG: OH FUCKING PLEASE GO TO BED.

AG: Equius and I raided the local supermarket today!

  


centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo at 7:45.

  


CT: D --> Let it be known I had no interest in such thieving ploys and would never sink to that level of my own volition

AG: I’ve always wanted to 8reak into a supermarket’s 8ack room.

AG: It was nasty as fuck. They should really mop in there.

CT: D --> It is just that Vriska commanded me to join her and I could not say no

CG: FIRST OF ALL EW

CG: SECOND OF ALL WHO THE FUCK IS “THEY” ? EVERYONE IS DEAD, VRISKA.

AG: Oh, yeah.

AG: Would you 8elieve I forgot?

CG: NOT FOR A FUCKING SECOND.

  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo at 11:41.

  


GC: WH4T’S UP FUCK3RS

GC: 1 JUST WOK3 UP

CG: GOOD MORNING

GC: TH4NK YOU!

GC: WHY W3R3 YOU UP 4T 7 4M

CG: I COULDN’T SLEEP, OBVIOUSLY

GC: YOU D1DNT SL33P 4T 4LL L4ST N1GHT?

CG: I TRIED

CG: FAILED

GC: 4W TH4T SUCKS

GC: ST1LL

GC: 1T CONT1NU3S TO SUCK

GC: 1T R3M41NS 1N 4 ST4T3 OF SUCK1NG

GC: 4NYW4Y 1 GOTT4 GO SHOW3R 4ND W4LK PYR3S S33Y4

  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo at 11:44.

  


GA: Bye Terezi

GA: Apologies I Also Just Woke Up And Made Breakfast

CG: OH WHAT’D YOU HAVE

GA: Marmalade On Toast

CG: FUCKING BRIT

GA: It Is Good

GA: Am I Wrong

CG: YES YOU ARE MARMALADE IS GROSS

GA: Being Alone Is Very Uncomfortable

GA: Ive Gotten So Used To Taking Care Of My Grandmothers Needs That Now It Feels Wrong To Just Have Nothing To Do

GA: I Suppose I Knew There Would Be A Day When She Would Not Be Around

GA: But I Didnt Expect It To Be This Lonely

CG: YEAH, I GET THAT

CG: I’M KIND OF STALKING THIS CHAT BECAUSE I DON’T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO

CG: I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE A BLESSING TO NOT HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITIES OR ANYTHING BUT NOW WE DON’T

CG: I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE ANYBODY’S GOING TO FORCE ME TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AFTER WINTER BREAK

CG: SO NOW LIFE JUST KIND OF FEELS DULL

GA: Exactly My Thoughts

GA: Oh And

GA: Happy New Year

GA: I Guess

CG: IT’S NOT EXACTLY HAPPY, IS IT?

GA: I Suppose Not

GA: I Think I Will Take A Page From Terezis Book And Go For A Long Walk

GA: Perhaps With A Cup Of Tea

CG: BRIT

GA: I Am Yes

GA: Did You Not Have Rye Bread For Breakfast

CG: LISTEN

  


arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo at 11:53.

  


AG: Hah! Called the fuck out!

CG: NO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP SERKET BEFORE I MAKE YOU

CG: HOW ARE YOU STILL AWAKE I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO BED

CG: ALSO RYE BREAD IS DELICIOUS

GA: So Is Tea

CG: UNTRUE BUT OK

CG: BESIDES IT’S THE ONLY BREAD WE HAD AND UNLIKE SOME OF US I DON’T FEEL LIKE FUCKING INVADING THE LOCAL STORE

  


arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo at 12:06.

  


AC: :33 < *ac leaps down from her perch high above the chat with a cup of tea held gracefully in her paw and sips it*

AC: :33 < *she looks at cg and meows “tea is furry good and you are just a big dummy!”*

CG: CG FLIPS YOU OFF

AC: >:00

AC: *rude!!!*

CG: YEAH WHATEVER TEA SUCKS

CG: ANYWAY. HOW HAS YOUR MORNING BEEN

AC: :33 < i found a crashed plane!

CG: JESUS, AGAIN? WHAT IS IT WITH WRECKED TECHNOLOGY AND THE SWEATY ASSHOLE OF CENTRAL FRANCE?

AA: t0 be fair i als0 f0und a crashed plane t0day

AA: it seems when everyb0dy disappeared last night, the trains, cars and planes they were in c0ntr0l 0f went am0k.

AC: :33 < *ac meows that she thinks aas analysis is furry reasonable!*

CG: GEE, YEAH, WONDER HOW THAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED, HUH?

CG: NO, REALLY. I’D STILL LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE CATALYST WAS FOR EVERYONE VANISHING INTO THIN FUCKING AIR.

AA: n0ne 0f us have answers karkat

AA: and its entirely p0ssible we never will

AA: i think the best c0urse 0f acti0n

AA: and i say this as a hist0rian

AA: is just t0 try and adapt instead 0f stressing ab0ut h0w we g0t here

CG: OKAY, SO WE JUST ACCEPT THAT WE’RE THE LAST HUMANS ON EARTH AND THE SPECIES IS GOING TO DIE OUT WITH US?

CG: OH NO.

CG: ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO REPOPULATE THE EARTH?

AG: I call any8ody 8ut Eridan.

  


caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo at 12:17.

  


CA: hey rude

AG: Shut up and let me live my truth, why don’t you?

CG: *FUCKING GO TO BED, BOTH OF YOU*

CA: i took like a four hour nap earlier no wway am i going to sleep noww

AG: I don’t have an excuse. I just don’t want to.

AG: And now I’m definitely not going to, 8ecause you told me to.

AG: :::;)

CG: YOU ARE A CURSE ON HUMANITY AND I’M EMBARRASSED TO BE OF THE SAME SPECIES AS YOU.

  


apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo at 14:20.

  


AA: even if we c0uld rep0pulate the human species it w0uld be severely inbred and unlikely to survive bey0nd a few generati0ns at m0st. especially c0nsidering the fact that n0ne 0f us have experience in agriculture, and s0 the best we can d0 is f0rage, which w0uld surely n0t pr0vide en0ugh greens f0r a wh0le c0l0ny 0f pe0ple

AA: and that is disregarding the fact that we live all 0ver the planet and have n0 way t0 reach each 0ther with0ut having t0 g0 0n a risky j0urney 0n f00t 0r bike, lasting m0nths up0n m0nths, and then betting 0ur lives 0n eridan and his ship-steering ability

AA: which i kn0w fr0m experience is sub-par

  


caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo at 14:23.

  


CA: none taken

AA: anyway

AA: s0rry f0r disappearing f0r a bit there

AA: i had t0 fetch f00d

  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo at 14:30.

  


GA: I Know I Was Not Here But I Dont Mind

GA: And Based On The Lack Of Messages Since You Left I Doubt The Others Did Either

GA: Not That We Would Not Mind If You Completely Vanished In Fact I Highly Prefer You When You Are Here And Not When You Are Gone In The Most Friendly Way I Can Put It

AA: i understand thank y0u

GA: No Problem

  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo at 15:12.

  


GC: 1M BOR3D >:/

GC: W3 SHOULD TRY TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T H4PP3N3D FOR R34L

GC: 44 H4V3 YOU FOUND 4NYTH1NG 1NT3R3ST1NG 1 KNOW YOU W3NT OUT TO 1NV3ST1G4T3 4ND STUFF

AA: n0t really, n0

AA: as far as i can tell everyb0dy just vanished int0 thin air

AA: there are n0 signs 0f struggle anywhere ive l00ked, including inside h0mes

AA: n0 sign that there has recently been any0ne there 0ther than 0ne h0use that apparently had a small fire which i assume was because its inhabitants were c00king when they disappeared

GC: OOH Y34H SH4RP TH1NK1NG

AA: thank y0u

AA: but 0f c0urse im n0t the 0nly pers0n here w0rth asking

AA:  @arsenicCatnip _[AC]_ has als0 been investigating, correct?

  


arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo at 15:59.

  


AC: :33 < *ac purrs a hewwo to her furiends!*

AC: :33 < *she nods that yes she HAS been making many obspurrvations about this mystery*

  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo at 16:01.

  


GA: Obspurrvations While An Admirable Effort Is A Little Far Fetched For A Pun I Think

GA: As Much As I Hate To Criticize Your Punmaking

AC: :33 < *the pouncelor bows her head amicably and says yes it was a little weak*

AC: :33 < *she just wanted another pun in there somewhere!*

GA: Thats Fair

GC: W3LL WH4T H4V3 YOU D1SCOV3R3D N3P3T4

AC: :33 < well like aclawdia said all the animals are still around

AC: :33 < also i checked at a lot of places the electricity is still working almost efurrywhere

AC: :33 < fureezers and furidges and lamps and such are on like nopawdy left at all!

AC: :33 < so food wont be going bad anytime soon at least h3h3 :33c

AC: :33 < hmm… what else to say =33=

AC: :33 < *rubs muzzle in thought*

AC: :33 < it really does seem like efurryone just vanished

AC: :33 < all the cars have keys in the locks still

AC: :33 < there are still tvs on in a lot of houses

AC: :33 < which makes me a little bit sad :((

AC: :33 < although some of the tvs seem kind of weird and purroken and the screens are all white like catnaya said hers was! others are normal

GC: NO D34D BOD13S?

AC: :33 < nope!

AC: :33 < no bodies

AC: :33 < or any sort of mark that anypawdy was ever there!

GC: TH4TS SO W31RD >:/

GC: G4SP

GC: WH4T 1F TH1S 1S 4LL JUST 4 W31RD N1GHTM4R3 1M H4V1NG 4ND YOUR3 4LL 1M4G1N4RY!

GA: That Is Not The Case Because Im Certainly Not Asleep Or A Figment Of Anybodys Imagination

GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 C4NT T3LL WH3TH3R OR NOT YOUR3 B31NG S4RC4ST1C 1S NOT H3LP1NG YOUR C4S3

GC: OK SO 1 P1NCH3D MYS3LF 4ND NOTH1NG H4PP3N3D SO TH4T TH3ORY 1S OUT

GC: W41T

GC: 1S TH1S 4 PR4NK YOU GUYS 4R3 PL4Y1NG ON M3 B3C4US3 1M BL1ND 4ND L1V3 4LON3

GC: 1F SO 1M ONTO YOU!!!

AC: :33 < h3h3 no

AC: :33 < this is all very real

AC: :33 < im actually kind of scared

AC: :33 < last night i thought a lot about all the people i love and how i dont know where they are or what happened to them and that made me very upset

GA: Oh Nepeta Things Will Be Okay

AC: :33 < i hope so

AC: :33 < i miss my mom :((

AC: :33 < but all we can do is keep looking for answers!! so lets not give up

  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo at 16:47.

  


CG: WOW, I’M ALMOST FUCKING IMPRESSED BY HOW MORONICALLY REDUNDANT EVERYTHING IN THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN SO FAR.

GC: H3Y K4RK4T

CG: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE HAS BEEN DISCUSSED

CG: EXCEPT REHASHING THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW!

CG: SO GREAT! POINTS FOR PRODUCTIVITY!

GC: OH SHUT UP!!

GC: DO YOU H4V3 4NY B3TT3R 1D34S

CG: I’M WORKING ON IT, GODDAMN

AC: :33 < yes we should work something out and fast!!!

AC: :33 < there are so many kitties out here im going to run out of cat food soon trying to feed them all

AC: :33 < now theres nopawdy left to drive me to the city and get more :((

AC: :33 < we used to take trips there weekly to see moms furiends because we would never see them otherwise

CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT

CG: I THINK I GOT IT

CG: WE’RE NOT SURE THAT WE’RE THE LAST PEOPLE ALIVE, ARE WE?

GC: 1 THOUGHT TH4T TOO!!!

GA: Im Not Following

GC: W3 C4NT S33 4NYBODY 3LS3 BUT 1TS NOT L1K3 W3 C4N S33 TH4T F4R 4T 4LL

GC: Y34H TH3R3’S 12 OF US SC4TT3R3D 4LL OV3R TH3 GLOB3 BUT NON3 OF US C4N S33 B3YOND OUR R3SP3CT1V3 N31GHBORHOODS SO TH3R3’S 4 WHOL3 WORLD OUT TH3R3 TH4T W3 DONT KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT

CG: EXACTLY! AND THE FACT THAT NOT ONLY IS ELECTRICITY STILL RUNNING, BUT THE INTERNET IS STILL UP

CG: CLEARLY SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IS WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES

CG: OTHERWISE WE WOULD ALL BE ALONE WITH LITERALLY ZERO FUCKING CONTACT TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD BEYOND HOW FAR OUR STUBBY TEENAGE LEGS CAN TAKE US

CG: THERE’S NO WAY WE’RE ALONE!

  


apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo 16:51.

  


AA: i did say that last night

CG: YOU DID?

AA: yes y0u said i wasnt helping

CG: OH.

CG: SORRY.

AA: n0 pr0blem

GA: Is There Any Way We Could Contact Those People

GA: Perhaps Reach Out And See If Somebody Is Still Out There Other Than Us

GC: W3LL K4N4Y4 TH3R3S TH1S L1TTL3 OLD TH1NG C4LL3D TH3 WORLD W1D3 W3B

GC: 1TS C4LL3D TH4T B3C4US3 1TS WORLD W1D3

GA: Yes I Do Think Ive Heard Of It Before In Passing

GC: H4H4H4

GC: 4LR1GHT SO WH4T DO W3 DO

GC: M4YB3 POST 4 V1D3O ON YOUTUB3?

CG: ALREADY WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

CG: I’M RECORDING IT NOW.

GC: OH GOD WHY YOU

GC: C4N 1 DO 1T 1NST34D NOBODYS GO1NG TO M3SS4G3 YOUR SHOUTY 4SS >XO

GA: Terezi You Are Blind

GC: Y34H 1 4M BUT 4NYTH1NG 1S B3TT3R TH4N K4RK4T

CG: I’M BACK IT’S UPLOADING NOW

CG: WOW HOLY SHIT I FEEL SO LOVED AND APPRECIATED BY MY FRIENDS. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHY I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS OFF THIS MEMO

GC: DONT BOO M3 1M R1GHT

CG: I WILL BOO YOU IF I DAMN WELL SO DESIRE YOU WEIRD FUCK

CG: HERE

CG:  https://www.youtu.be/watch?v=612hs413

CG: IF SOMEONE’S OUT THERE, HOPEFULLY THIS WILL END UP ON THEIR FEED BY THE SAME MAGICAL MEANS THAT IS KEEPING THE TWELVE OF US IN CONTACT.

CG: IF NOT, WE’RE WELL AND THOROUGHLY FUCKED.

GC: WOW K4RK4T TH1S 1S SURPR1S1NGLY NOT FULL OF D34TH THR34TS >:D

GC: M4YB3 SOM3ON3 W1LL 4CTU4LLY B3 4BL3 TO TOL3R4T3 YOUR VO1C3 LONG 3NOUGH TO H34R WH4T YOU H4V3 TO S4Y!!!

CG: I HATE THAT YOU SOUND LIKE VRISKA YOU SHOULD SPEND LESS TIME WITH HER

CG: FUCK SHIT YOU SOUND LIKE ME, TOO

GA: She Sounds Like You Just As Much

GA: Yes Exactly

AC: :33 < i like it good job karcat!!!

CG: THANKS. WE CAN ONLY HOPE IF SOMEONE IS OUT THERE THEY ACTUALLY SEE IT.

CG: I GUESS IN THE MEANTIME THERE’S NOTHING TO DO BUT WAIT.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a year, huh?

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:42 AM.

EB: good morning dave!!!

EB: oh wow, it is almost 11 already?

EB: i slept in a lot longer than i meant to

EB: weird that my dad didnt wake me up

EB: how is your morning going

TG: hey dude

TG: im chill

TG: took you long enough to get up whats a man to do when his best bud is just snoozin off like that guy from the grinch

TG: was there a snoozing guy in the grinch or am i thinking of the wizard of oz

TG: actually idk if either of those had a snoozing guy but theres definitely a snoozing guy somewhere and thats who you were snoozing like

EB: yeah yeah!! i am up now at least

TG: yea i guess

TG: ive been making all these sick beats while you were asleep you dont even know how sick they are like goddamn terminal illness level mr beat were so sorry you have two minutes left to live that is how terminal your illness is

EB: you say that every morning dave

TG: yea and its always true so

EB: well dont leave me hanging!! send them!!

TG: oh i dont know if any of them are finished enough to show yet

TG: try this on for size

turntechGodhead [TG] sent audio file bananajam.mp3.

EB: banana jam?

TG: well not like banana jam like jam made from a banana or anything its like the song is a jam and its about bananas

EB: oooh! i get it

EB: why did you make a song about bananas

TG: idk

TG: felt like it

EB: alright i guess

EB: i will listen to it later after i eat

TG: cool

TG: oh did that mean like youre leaving now

TG: john

TG: bro

TG: wow im immediately abandoned i cant believe this

TG: talk to me for 2 min and then when you catch a whiff of that toaster scent in the air you immediately leave. unbelievable crime

TG: you will go to friendship jail for abandonment for this john egbert trust me my lawyers will be in touch

TG: ill come visit you in the prison and ill just stand outside the glass and laugh into the prison phone and youll be like god i wish i never abandoned dave in favor of some breakfast

TG: youll go to friendship alcatraz

EB: jeez dave i was only gone for like three minutes!!!

EB: and i got cereal not toast ha ha ha

TG: ok fair

TG: you know ha ha ha is the most unnerving way to laugh

EB: maybe you are right ha ha ha

TG: ha ha ha

EB: i cant find my dad which is a little weird

TG: well its almost 11 isnt he probably at work

EB: it is new years eve he doesnt have work today

TG: oh

TG: yeah duh

EB: i do not think he would have gone to the store without leaving me a note either?

TG: maybe hes in the backyard or something

TG: is his car there

EB: oh he might be

EB: car is here yeah

EB: he is not in the back yard

TG: huh

TG: ask tt maybe she has a better guess?

TG: god i still cant believe roses tag is tt its so fuckin funny

TG: tt is tts tag

TG: comedy fucking gold it never gets old

TG: oh shit thats a sick ass rhyme i gotta write that down hold on

TG: this shits fuckin comedy gold / you know my shit never gets old / when strider steps on the open mic / haters sit their asses down n take a hike

TG: dude are you still there

TG: oh my god. again

* * *

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:57 AM.

EB: hey rose!!

TT: Good afternoon.

EB: actually its 11

TT: Ah, yes. Timezones. My mortal enemy.

TT: Apologies for my misstep.

TT: It’s good to hear from you. What is, as they say, popping?

EB: uh well i have sort of a thing going on

EB: my dad has gone missing

TT: Missing?

EB: yeah he is not at home for some reason

EB: even though it is new years eve and he hasnt told me that he has anything today

EB: i am sort of worried about it?

TT: That does sound concerning.

TT: Is he answering his phone?

EB: oh shit i didnt even think about calling him!!

EB: i will do that now thanks rose!

TT: No problem.

EB: he didnt answer D:

EB: i think his phone is in his room

EB: i can hear the ringtone

TT: Have you not checked in his room?

EB: what? obviously not dude! that is his realm!

TT: His realm?

TT: John.

EB: what

TT: Are you sure that you don’t have any psychological issues related to your father?

TT: Any sort of lingering anxieties? Perhaps a complex of some sort?

EB: what? no!!!

EB: i do not know what youre talking about

EB: hes just my dad he has is own room and i have mine god rose!!!

TT: Alright, alright.

TT: You’re protesting quite a lot.

EB: are you taking notes again

TT: Knowledge is power, John.

EB: okay look fine i will knock

EB: i wont go in if he doesnt respond

EB: ...he is not responding

TT: John, I have a feeling you might just have to face your anxieties and go look in your dad’s room.

TT: Unless you have a better idea of where to find him.

EB: no no no

EB: this is very worrying i am going to ask jade

EB: oh i should just open a memo with all of us

TT: Have you talked to Dave about this?

EB: oh yeah he told me to talk to you

TT: Figures.

TT: Well, go for it.

* * *

ectoBiologist [EB] opened new memo uh my dad is missing? on board the dave and friends crew ™©® at 11:00 AM.

EB: hey guys!

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo at 11:00 AM.

TG: hey bro

TG: you didnt find him?

EB: nope no luck :(

TG: oh man that blows

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo at 11:01 AM.

TT: Indeed. “Blows” is certainly a word for it.

TT: John, perhaps you should call the police?

TT: If you’re still unwilling to do the most reasonable thing, which is look for him in his room.

TT: Or on the roof of your house, maybe?

TG: wait john you DIDNT look for him in his goddamn room

EB: ohhh i should check the roof good idea rose

TG: wait why the fuck are you not checking his room its his room

TG: bro missing person 101 check the most likely fuckin location first

EB: i cant go in his room dude!!! its his room!!!

TG: exactly where the fuck else would he be

TG: do not fuckin call the police before you check his goddamn room

EB: okay fine!!!

EB: GREAT now i feel weird

TT: Was he there?

EB: um, fucking no!!!!!!!

TT: Check the roof before you do anything else.

TG: do you think he got like kidnapped or some shit like that

TG: taken in the dead of the night like by the hamburglar

EB: dave dont say that!

TT: I thought the Hamburglar’s crime was, well, burglary, not kidnapping.

TG: youre wrong really its murder but like burger themed

TG: he committed murger

TT: Are you sure it was intentional? It may have been manslurger.

EB: guys.

TG: everyone is out here blaming the hamburglar for burglary were sleeping on all of the manslurgary

TT: What manslur did he say?

TG: yes thats the real question

EB: guys!!!

EB: for real i do not know where he is

EB: are you just going to keep fapping around while this serious situation is happening

TG: fapping around

EB: that is a real thing people say!

TT: Is it?

TT: I don’t think it is, actually.

EB: whatever oh my god

TT: Do you think maybe he’s just out for a walk?

EB: he would have woken me up before he left :(

EB: should i call the police?

TT: That does seem like the most reasonable thing to do.

TT: Although, getting the authorities involved is definitely taking this to a new level, especially for something like reporting a missing person.

TT: Make sure you know you’ve checked absolutely everywhere and there are no alternative options left before you do that.

EB: maybe i should wait for a little bit before i do that

EB: in case he was somewhere and he is going to come home?

TG: reasonable

EB: huh

EB: have you guys seen this

EB: https://www.youtu.be/watch?v=612hs413

EB: is it legit???

EB: or is it just some dumb arg

TT: Oh, damn.

TG: whos this douche bag

TT: You and your father prank each other all the time, correct?

TT: Maybe he got someone to record that for the purpose of pranking you.

TG: and just release it into the youtube void

TG: how could he have known it would happen to end up on johns feed

TT: Good question, Dave. I rescind my idea.

TT: I guess you should message the guy.

TG: what? no

TG: what if hes like a psychopath or some shit

TT: He is not a psychopath.

TG: or a troll

TT: He might be a troll.

TT: Could it hurt, though?

EB: wait

EB: the guy in the video said everyone was missing

EB: that would mean that daves bro and roses mom would be missing too

TG: mmm

TG: idk i dont see him that often

TT: I don’t see my mother very often, either.

TT: I assume she’s at work.

EB: ok well dave look out your window you live in a city

EB: there should be like cars and stuff on the road

TG: ok

TG: jesus

TG: so thats creepy

TG: yeah definitely hit the guy up actually on second thought go ahead and do it

EB: why what is out there

TG: some weird ass shit is going on

TT: Elaborate.

TG: problems

EB: ok i am going in

* * *

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:17 AM.

EB: hello!

EB: you are the guy who made that video about how everyone has disappeared right

EB: is that true or was it just a troll

CG: OH WOW WOULD YOU FUCKING LOOK AT THAT

CG: WE IN FACT ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT APOCALYPSE WORLD

CG: WELCOME TO HELL MY FRIEND

EB: ok so a troll

CG: I’M NOT A FUCKING TROLL.

CG: THE VIDEO WAS FOR REAL. HUMANKIND HAS VANISHED.

CG: YOU’RE STILL HERE THOUGH.

EB: yeah

CG: WAIT.

CG: YOU'RE NOT LIKE, VRISKA USING A SECOND ACCOUNT TO TROLL ME AGAIN, RIGHT?

CG: LIKE THAT ONE TIME WITH FUCKING NARUTO PFP? I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT AGAIN

CG: IT WASN'T FUNNY THEN AND IT'S EVEN LESS FUCKING FUNNY NOW VRISKA

EB: what?

EB: no swear on scouts honor i am not whoever this vriska is

EB: i am a hundred percent a real boy!

EB: and my friends are too

EB: or well

EB: two of them arent boys

EB: but we are all real people and were all still alive

EB: or at least most of us

CG: MOST OF US?

EB: one has not been online today

EB: but its pretty early where she lives so

EB: maybe she hasnt woken up yet

CG: THAT HAPPENED IN MY FRIEND GROUP TOO

CG: TURNS OUT EVERYONE WAS FINE

CG: SO DON’T BE A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN ABOUT IT

EB: ok jeez no need to be rude

EB: how many people are still around?

CG: TWELVE.

CG: WELL, TWELVE OF US ANYWAY.

CG: PLUS HOWEVER MANY YOU HAVE.

EB: there is 4 of us

CG: FINE. SIXTEEN.

CG: I’LL ADD YOU TO OUR GROUP.

CG: YOU CAN ADD YOUR FRIENDS THEN.

* * *

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has created a new group called APOCALYPSE SURVIVORS 2.0 !

GROUP MEMBERS:

carcinoGeneticist [CG] (admin)

ectoBiologist [EB] (admin)

twinArmageddons [TA] (admin)

arachnidsGrip [AG] (admin)

apocalypseArisen [AA]

adiosToreador [AT]

arsenicCatnip [AC]

grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

gallowsCalibrator [GC]

centaursTesticle [CT]

terminallyCapricious [TC]

caligulasAquarium [CA]

cuttlefishCuller [CC]

* * *

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened new memo FRESH MEAT BRIEFING on board APOCALYPSE SURVIVORS 2.0 at 11:22 AM.

CG: ALRIGHT!

CG: SO WE AREN’T THE LAST PEOPLE ALIVE

CG: THIS KID FOUND THE VIDEO WE MADE.

ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo at 11:22 AM.

EB: hey everyone! :B

EB: wow those are some uh. creative handles

ectoBiologist [EB] added new member turntechGodhead [TG] to group at 11:23 AM.

ectoBiologist [EB] added new member tentacleTherapist [TT] to group at 11:23 AM.

CG: YEAH, WELL WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP

ectoBiologist [EB] added new member gardenGnostic [GG] to group at 11:23 AM.

EB: ok now we are all here!

EB: wow sorry i didnt mean to be rude :/

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo at 11:24 AM.

TG: what is going on here

TG: centaurstesticle who the hell are you ppl

CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

CG: ONLY THE LAST PEOPLE ALIVE ON EARTH AFTER A VENGEFUL GOD PRESUMABLY DECIDED TO WIPE US ALL OUT.

CG: WELCOME ON BOARD NOAH'S ARK WITHOUT ALL THE CUTESY ANIMALS.

TG: cringe

EB: so who are you all? :B

EB: im john!

EB: TG is dave TT is rose and GG is jade but shes not awake yet i dont think

EB: unless she is dead

EB: which i hope she is not

TG: dude jeez give a man the opportunity to introduce himself

TG: yea im dave

CG: IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD TO MEET YOU.

arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo at 11:34 AM.

AG: Helloooooooo.

AG: New ple8s to fuck with. Awesome.

AG: You may address me as Marquise Spinneret Mindfang.

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP VRISKA

EB: okay so like marquise or spinneret or mindfang cos it is kinda long to say all of it

EB: oh

TG: hey vriska

AG: Hey, str8nger. You wanna spoil my fun, too?

TG: not really

EB: ok so youre vriska that makes sense

TG: so yall like trolls or what?

CG: WE'RE NOT TROLLS.

CG: I HAVE LITERALLY INFINITE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TRICK A COUPLE OF DUMB FUCKS I DON'T KNOW INTO THINKING ARMAGEDDON WAS UPON US.

TG: cool

TG: so what happened

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo at 11:45 AM.

TT: That’s really the big question.

TT: Where did everyone go? And, well...

TT: Are we the only ones left?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo at 11:47 AM.

GA: Were Sort Of Still Trying To Figure That Out Ourselves

GA: It Appears The Human Race Simply Vanished Into Thin Air Except For A Handful Of Individuals

GA: Including Us And You But Nobody Else To Our Knowledge

GA: So To Answer Your Question

GA: Yes

GA: As Far As We Know

GA: We Are The Only Ones Left

EB: oh god i just realized what this is like

EB: its like that nic cage movie, where he is a pilot

EB: and like his daughter is there

EB: what is that movie called

AG: Left 8ehind?

EB: oh yeah thats the one!!!

AG: Hell yeah!!!!!!!!

EB: you like nic cage too?

AG: IDK. He’s cool, I guess.

AG: I don’t really think a8out him that much.

CG: OH, BULLSHIT. OWN UP TO IT, YOU BITCH.

AG: Don’t mind Karkat.

EB: whos karkat

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SLOBBER OVER THAT UGLY ASS BASTARD EVERY DAY I WON’T STAND HERE AND LET YOU DECEIVE THESE DOPEY FUCKERS

EB: wow jeez you guys are kinda intense huh

EB: for the record vriska i do not think its weird to like nic cage at all!! so you dont need to be enbarassed about it

GA: Embarrassed

EB: whatever

EB: so who are you?

EB: green text person

GA: My Name Is Kanaya

GA: It Is Nice To Meet You John

EB: hahaha

EB: wack

EB: where are you guys from

EB: im from washington

EB: uh state

GA: Northern England

EB: oh

EB: thats cool

AG: Anyw8, what kind of music do you like?

TG: hey don't dodge the question lady

TG: or dude

TG: i actually dont know i assumed based on the marquise thing

AG: I'm a girl.

TG: ok cool

TG: anyway dont dodge the question

CG: CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU HAVEN'T REVEALED WHERE YOU'RE FROM, EITHER.

TG: dont think john was askin me

CG: WELL, I AM.

TG: well fuck my ass then

TG: im south texas born and raised

TG: in the smoggy asshole of downtown houston is where i spent most of my days

AG: I'm from New Jersey.

TG: what for real

AG: So is @centaursTesticle

TG: horsecocks jerseyan

TG: that settles it everything ive ever heard about nj is true

AG: Fuck you!

centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo at 12:01 PM.

CT: D--> Hello

TG: oh my fuck horsecock is here

CT: D--> My name is Equius.

CT: D--> Please do not make assumptions based on my handle

CT: D--> And if you could please inform me how to change it

CT: D--> I would be very grateful

EB: what?

AG: The centaur’s testicle thing was actually me

AG: I changed it to that, fucking priceless, yeah?

AG: Equius hasn’t figured out how to ch8nge it 8ack please don’t tell him

GA: Hilarious

AG: I know, right?

TT: Yes. Eccentric.

TT: If it’s just going to be the sixteen of us until the end of days, I guess more proper introductions are in order.

TT: So, greetings.

TT: As John said, my name is Rose.

TT: Presently living in New York State.

CG: I GET THE NAME CIRCLE BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THE WHERE DO YOU LIVE BULLSHIT

TG: asl

GA: Well To Be Fair If Some Of Us Happened To Be In The Same Area That Might Be Handy

cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo at 12:22 PM.

CC: O)( MY GOS)(!!!!

CC: New people!!! 38D!!!

CC: Im Feferi!!

CC: Im in Was)(ington State too!!!

EB: oh wow!!!

EB: where :B

CC: Seattle 38)

CC: Im )(ere with Eridan!!

EB: oh thats not that far!!

CC: (T)(ats @caligulasAquarium )

EB: im in maple valley

CC: o)( wow!!!

CC: I could totally come t)(ere

CC: except

CC: its a long trip to go by foot t)(oug)( 38/

EB: oh yeah

EB: thats true i guess

EB: so theres really nobody else left?

GA: Not That We Know Of No

caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo at 12:27 PM.

CA: hey

EB: wow

EB: that sucks ass

CC: Yea it does 38(

CA: alright jeez

CA: livven up a little guys

EB: no i just

EB: i miss my dad

EB: is he like, dead?

CG: WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE.

CG: THEY JUST VANISHED.

EB: oh :(

EB: it keeps like hitting me

EB: man i wasnt ready to lose my dad :(((

CG: THAT’S GREAT.

CG: LET IT OUT, BIG GUY.

EB: i am not crying!!!

EB: im just

EB: feeling sad

EB: is that a crime

CG: WHAT THE FUCK I DIDNT FUCKING SAY ANYTHING

CG: I HAVEN’T DONE A SINGLE FUCKING THING WRONG HERE

CG: NOT ONCE DID I SAY FUCK ALL ABOUT YOU BEING SAD JESUS CHRIST

CG: LOOK. WE’VE ALL LOST FAMILY MEMBERS.

CG: IF YOU WANT TO WALLOW IN GRIEF FOR MONTHS ON END, FEEL FREE.

CG: BUT THERE’S STILL A WORLD OUT THERE.

CG: MAYBE THEY’RE ALL IN A BUNKER AND EVERYONE ON EARTH DECIDED THAT WE, SPECIFICALLY, ARE TOO DESPICABLE AND DISGUSTING TO SAVE FROM WHATEVER NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE OR METEOR IS ON THE HORIZON THAT THEY ALL ESCAPED FROM

CG: OR MAYBE THEY ALL JUST FUCKING DIED!

CG: THEY MIGHT BE ALIVE, THEY MIGHT NOT BE

CG: WE DIDN’T KNOW YOU GUYS WERE HERE UNTIL YOU FOUND MY VIDEO

CG: SOMEHOW WE ALL STILL HAVE INTERNET CONNECTIONS, EVEN THOUGH WE’VE BEEN ALONE FOR ALMOST A FULL DAY NOW

CG: YOU TRY TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.

EB: i dont know

EB: i dont know anything

EB: this just sucks so much

EB: are you sure this is not just a nightmare that ill wake up from really soon

CG: GOD, I WISH.

CG: PINCH YOURSELF FOR ALL I CARE.

EB: it didnt work :(

CG: YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING TRIED?

CG: JESUS.

TT: What is there to do now?

GA: Well The Internet Is Still There

GA: Games And Movies And YouTube And So On Are All Still Perfectly Functional

GA: Though I Doubt Youll Find Much Activity Online

TG: do we seriously just have to sit here and wait

gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo at 1:01 PM.

GG: good morning!

GG: what

EB: hey jade!

EB: everyone disappeared

GG: ohhh

GG: okay

GG: like went missing or died or

TT: Something like that. We’re not sure yet.

GG: uh huh

GG: give me a little bit and ill read through the message history! :)

adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo at 1:07 PM.

AT: hELLO,, }:)

AT: mY NAME,,, IS tAVROS,,,,,

AT: i LIVE IN mEXICO,,,

GG: okay im done

GG: hey tavros!!

GG: hey everyone actually

GG: my name is jade

GG: i live on an island

CG: THERE ARE A LOT OF ISLANDS. YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.

GG: you wouldnt know it

GG: but its close to kiribati if that helps

CG: I DON’T CARE BUT OKAY

GG: you kind of asked ?? :/

CG: NOT TRUE. I TOLD YOU TO BE MORE SPECIFIC. DID NOT SAY I CARED.

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo at 4:02 PM.

TG: yo whys this chat so dead

TG: like the whole world i guess lol

TG: idk about yall but ive just been playing viddy games

TG: tbh the apocalypse doesnt seem that bad

TG: i mean yea theres nobody around to play online games n shit with but thats fine i can just play against ai and not even notice like this is some .io shit

TG: fake multiplayer more like real multiplier cos aint nothin multiplyin my fun like playing against a bunch of computers that suck at slither io

TG: im not playing slither io but like you get it

TG: wow am i really like the only person awake rn

TG: or did yall die too

TG: hellooooooo

TG: damn i guess its just me on this bitch of an earth

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo at 4:08 PM.

AA: i am here

AA: hell0 dave

AA: my name is aradia

TG: hey

TG: whats up

AA: n0t much, as y0u may be able t0 guess

AA: and y0u?

TG: well yknow

TG: its a day

AA: for sure

AA: this is a thrilling c0nversati0n

TG: yea

TG: what kinda freak are you then

TG: like no offense you seem cool and all but considering the fact that all your friends seem to be freaks idk how you could be friends if you werent also a freak

TG: unless youre like the token normie or smth

AA: i d0nt think i’m the t0ken n0rmie? i’m pretty freaky

AA: i listen t0 nickelback s0metimes

TG: oh yeah class a freak

AA: 0u0

AA: i d0nt actually.

AA: im kind 0f g0th. is that freaky?

TG: i guess so

TG: rose is goth and shes a freak so

TG: do you like

TG: paint your nails black and wear black lipstick and write about death and tragedy and shit like that in a journal you keep under your bed

AA: s0metimes yes

AA: i als0 study butterfly c0rpses f0r the fascinating patterns in their wings

TG: oh thats actually kinda awesome

TG: my freakyness is contained in the jars of cool dead shit i have

AA: i have jars of c00l dead shit t00!

TG: oh dude fr? hell yeah

AA: yeah 0u0

AA: it’s nice t0 meet s0me0ne with similar interests! every0ne always just calls me a m0rbid freak lol

AA: but i have t0 g0 n0w! ill talk t0 y0u later we sh0uld hang 0ut s0metime

TG: yea sure

TG: bye

TG: …

TG: …

TG: …

TG: goddamit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 2021 :)


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